Stay
by bellaisapirate
Summary: The truth is out there, it always has been. Mulder knows as much, and he'll never give up his search for it. But you can't balance love and an obsession for the truth. [Short oneshot, Fox/OFC]


He was light years away, his eyes fogged over with thought as his mind wandered. Frustration was building in me as he blinked but did little else. How was it that he could be so close and yet so far away at the same time? I'd asked me the question over and over for the past two years of our five year long marriage. He was still with me sometimes, and then there was not a doubt in my mind that he loved me and wanted me to be happy. Though the moments strayed further and further apart and I knew that soon we'd have nothing. He'd be at the other side of the universe even while holding my hand, and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Fox." Catching his attention I used his first name, something I very rarely did - he'd asked me to call him Mulder on our first date and it sort of stuck.

"Hmm?" His body shifted, but his eyes stayed on the screen in front of him.

"I want a divorce." The words weren't as hard to say as I'd imagined. They rolled off my tongue quite easily, shattering our lives in the blink of an eye. I just couldn't do it anymore.

"What?" His attention was on me, the only thing I'd wanted for the past 24 months. "You can't be serious!"

"I don't love you anymore." That was a lie. "I can't battle with your job anymore, and I can't accept the back seat." Not a lie.

The computer chair swung around with him in it, and his hands ran through his brown locks. It was his boyish charm and his handsome features I'd fallen for six years ago. The smile and the sense of humor, the constant search for the unknown - it had beguiled me. He had swept me off my feet on the first date, when he'd been so exhausted from a long work shift that we ended up eating pizza and staying in instead of going to a fancy restaurant. It had charmed me because he didn't feel the need to impress me by spending money on me, his conversations about the world and the sky and what hid up there was more than enough. Despite inner warnings that one day his job would take the upper hand I continued dating him and I allowed myself to fall. I'd only been 21 when we met and he was my first love. Too bad first loves almost never work out.

"But- this- we- why?" he asked, desperation reeking from his voice and reflecting in his movements. "Why?"

I shook my head, willing myself to stay strong. "I love that you love your job. I respect that you love it. I love and adore the way you're always searching for the truth and keeping up hope that it's out there. You know that. But I can't live in the shadow of a truth you don't even know is out there. We've been married for five years, yet I don't think you even notice me here anymore. If I'd pack up my bags and leave, I wonder if you'd even look down from the sky long enough to notice."

Biting my lower lip I pushed my blonde hair away, tugging at it nervously. I'd practiced what to say so many times that each word spilled without hesitation, but it didn't feel as right as it had when I worked on it in my head. It didn't feel as true as it had then. Not when I was faced against him, and not when his hands reached out to grab mine; I pulled mine away, refusing his touch to stop me from doing what I knew was right.

"I can change."

"No, you can't. I've never wanted you to change either, that's why I want to leave."

Tears stung the back of my eyes, forcing me to blink rapidly or they would fall.

"I can't lose you!" His voice was thick. I'd only seen him cry once and that was after his dad's funeral, but I recognized the trembling of his hands and the way he had to force the words from his mouth. If he cried I'd lose.

Standing I moved away from him again, creating a further distance between us. He attempted to follow, the chair creaking as he got up, but I held my hands out in front of me and begged him to halt. The room around us had always held so much joy, but now it reminded me of a dungeon. Because of his job and my studying – I never really quite could figure out what I wanted to do with myself – we lived in a small apartment and our bedroom had to double as his study.

The light walls and the colorful bed sheets had always sprinkled our life with brightness, but now I just felt angst and irritation in my stomach, gnawing at me since I knew soon I would be nothing but a stranger to the place. In time, I would no longer be invited to sleep in the tangled mess of sheets or stroll without a thread on my body from the bathroom to the wardrobe at the right of the bed. I'd be a stranger to not only the familiar room but to the man I so far called my husband too.

"Please let me do this Fox, please," I begged him, staggering backwards, heading for the closet. Bewilderment was still radiating off of his features, but he said nothing and didn't attempt to stop me as I tugged a door open and reached for the bag I knew was in there. In my head while rehearsing, I'd never gotten so far as to start throwing down clothes in a bag before. In my head, even while knowing I was doing what needed to be done, he had always said the right thing and stopped me. Just in the nick of time he'd find the magic words to heal what needed healing and fix what was broken. Though in reality I didn't know what the right words were; it was unfair to expect him to know them.

"I don't know how to not have you here," he mumbled from behind me. I ignored it, grabbing my favorite pair of jeans instead and allowing them to join the mess of fabric in the suitcase. "I haven't ignored or forgotten you. Please!"

His hands grabbed me then, forcing me to drop the shirt in my hands as he spun me around, my hair whirling and my heart screaming.

"I know you!" he insisted when I shook my head and tried to break free. "I know you so well, and you know me too! I don't ignore you or put you second, ever!"

"Then why does it feel like you do?" Tears finally spilled from my eyes as I reached up to place my hands on his face. "It feels like you don't see me, and I can't live like this Fox."

His eyelashes glittered. "You want to know the truth? The truth that is out there? This is the truth, Allie, and it's that I love you! I love you more than I love my job, or the X-files or finding out what the government is hiding now! You're more important than anything else, and you should have told me you were feeling this way. You're not invisible to me, never, not once. You're always here. Always. Without you to hold me in the night, whatever other truth is out there is worthless to me. Pointless. The truth is Allie, that if I don't have you then nothing else matters."

Sobbing I struggled against his grip on my shoulders, but he wouldn't allow me to leave.

"I love you," he repeated.

"I love you too, but it's not enough!"

I could almost hear his heart breaking.

"It's… it's not enough?" he stammered, eyes wide. His hands fell to his sides, defeated.

"Just being in love isn't enough," I clarified. "I don't just want you Fox, I want a marriage. I want a family. I want a life where I can wake up in the morning to find you and not a note stuck to the pillow telling me you'll be back later."

He moved backwards, the seriousness of my words finally sinking in. The realization washing over him, that just saying 'sorry' wouldn't make our issues fade away. Even with the beauty of his monologue, it still wasn't enough.

"I have to go." I wiped my nose on the back of my hand, turned around and grabbed the bag. "I can't stay."

"What if you can?"

"Fox…"

"What if you can stay?"

He came closer again, slowly this time, reaching for me like he was lost at sea and I was the only thing he could cling to so that he wouldn't drown.

"What if you can stay?" he repeated, his hands getting lost in my hair and pulling me close, my body pressed against his. I felt him breathe, the mere sensation making me want to stay.

"I can't."

"What if you can? What… what if I want to offer you everything you want? A marriage. A family. A life without my extreme thirst for knowledge. What then?"

"Is that what you want to offer me, or what you feel like you _have_ to offer me?"

Silence surrounded us for a moment, time seeming to stand still as he considered my words. He leaned back, locking eyes with me. Then a weak smile tugged at his lips, the tears on his cheeks starting to dry.

"I want to offer you the world, but if you'll settle for a family, then that's okay too."

Suddenly the bedroom seemed cheerful again.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to give up yourself to be with me," I mumbled, my arms finally wrapping around him.

"If I gave you up then I'd give up something far more precious."

When his lips met mine, I realized I'd failed. I hadn't left him like I promised myself I would and I hadn't stayed strong. Though as his lips danced with mine and as the warmth of his body made my stomach flutter for the first time in years, I realized that he'd said exactly the right words.

Maybe I had to stay. Maybe I could.


End file.
